The John Waters Advent Calendar

We all know what happened after Dawn Davenport didn´t get what she wanted for christmas, because "Nice girls don´t wear cha-cha-heels!"

In order to stay sane through all this x-mas onslaught you should consider the John Waters Advent Calendar
This is the one from last year. Find the brand new, second edition at Dreamland News

Day 1... Buy eggs and name them.

Day 2... Put on a folk-hat and learn about another culture.

Day 3... Convict someone of assholism.

Day 4... Pound on your abdomen and scream that you don't want the baby - refer to it as "a cancer."

Day 5... Eat a pretzel, for Christ's sake.

Day 6... Wear a "P" on your shirt and when anyone asks you why, tell them that you are, "permanently punished."

Day 7... Rent the movie "Annie," and sing along (loudly) with the song "The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow." Don't rewind the tape.

Day 8...Leave a dildo in someone's wishing well.

Day 9... Tell someone that when you're high you ARE Odetta.

Day 10... Call a hotel and ask if Pat Nixon ever got fucked in their presidential suite.

Day 11... Go to an "alcoholics meeting."

Day 12... Wear your clothes backwards and walk backwards - if anyone gives you an odd look tell them, "this backwards day is a lot of shit."

Day 13...Teabag someone.

Day 14... Fuck a chicken... or at least eat one.

Day 15... Throughout the day chant "Hare Krishna" as loudly as possible.

Day 16... Go "shopping for others."

Day 17... Go to see a family film... jump up spontaneously and tell your fellow movie-goers, "You don't have to like this movie! You're a victim of Advertising."

Day 18... Dye your clothes at a laundromat. If anyone gives you a hassle tell them that you "don't have any fall colors."

Day 19... Have "funch."

Day 20... Steal two rolls of someone's toilet paper.

Day 21... Phone someone and ask them if this is "the cocksucker residence."

Day 22... At a store try on designer clothes that are too small for you. As they rip mutter, "damn these designers!"

Day 23... Give (or receive) a rosary job.

Day 24... Throw a fit while opening Christmas gifts and knock the tree over... preferably on your mother. Hysterically sob that you hate Christmas as you make a hasty exit.

This year Day 9 should commemorate Odetta Holmes, the great Blues and Gospel singer who died aged 77 on December 2.


Leopold Stotch said...

"I've DONE everything a mother can do: I've locked her in her room, I've beat her with the car aerial. Nothing changes her. It's HARD being a loving mother! "


StellaVista said...

Yes! As Mink Stole once said in an interview: "The dialogue is spun like fine gold", or something.

I actually did a post some months ago which embeds the WHOLE film in 10 easy youtube-clips.

I think watching a whole flick on youtube is very trashy. So there...